Dark Dusk Dreams Pt 2

[sexysilver]

***I have also taken down the second part as a cautionary measure =) If you would like to read this part.. just pm me as well. Thanks guys <3

[Dag]

Your descriptions of scenery are amazing again; I am really impressed with the picture I can see in my head . Great plot line too, I want to read more .

Now to be picky (sorry, trying to help )

Quote:When Rockett pulled open the door, frigid air rushed to greet her.

Quote:Master Florna’s perfume rushed at her.

It is a unique sort of personification for air, but I think it should be isolated to one of these images. Just my opinion though.

Quote:The class of plantology and creatureology

Plantology? Creatureology? I would either recommend two words that exist to describe those fields of study (Botany, Zoology?) or make up some cool word from the latin or greek roots, they always sound cool ... For example:

Plant - Serontology?
Creature - ummm, they all sound bad, maybe the greek word for beast (thirio) - thirontology

I dunno, I just don't think plantology and creatureology work well with the diction of the rest of the story.

Great work though, I can't wait for more

[sexysilver]

Hmmm.. two rushes.. didn't notice that. I'll be correcting that.

And yeah.. just couldn't think of anything good to name them without sounding harry potterish.. daym harry potter lol

Serontology and thirontology might work.. I'm just afraid the reader would have no clue what they are

[UmbreonMatt]

sexysilver Wrote:Serontology and thirontology might work.. I'm just afraid the reader would have no clue what they are

Maybe it's just me, but I like it when a story I'm reading features words I'm unfamiliar with and have to look up in a dictionary. I enjoy stories more when I see the author as being on a higher level, rather than my intellectual equal, and difficult words reinforce the impression of superiority. Or I'm just weird that way. ^_^

Anyway, you're a great writer! I took the trouble to copy and paste your segments and paragraph them to make for easier reading, and it was well worth the effort. Eagerly awaiting more!

[weee5067]

First off, great writing. I read it through the first time without letting myself notice minor errors, and I really liked it.

And then I read it through a second time and let every little maybe-error bother me I'm assuming you've got someone going through and correcting, say, commas, so I won't do anything to your punctuation (that, and I like adding in extra commas for no apparent reason, and I probably shouldn't thrust that on you).

First:

Quote:From the second floor to the sixth floor, each floor housed two ranks. The sixth floor was only used by the first ranks.

The two sentences kinda make sense, but it seems like it'd be less misleading to say "from the second floor to the fifth floor..." The sixth floor doesn't actually house two ranks, even though the preceding sentence states it does.

Another part that threw me off:

Quote:The younger ranks on each floor lived on the west side with the rising sun while the older tyros lived on the east side.

Assuming you're intentionally making the setting on an opposite-revolving planet, it seems to me like the sentence might flow a bit better if you just said "lived on the side of the rising sun..." instead of "lived on the west side with the rising sun..." seeing as you state immediately afterwards that the opposite side of the floor is the east side. Of course, this is just a matter of personal preference.

Quote:A single bed was placed on each side and a long desk was placed beneath the window.

I think you should only use 'placed' once in this sentence - using it twice seems a bit repetitive. Perhaps "and a long desk was situated..."? There are probably a lot of different words you could use, but not many are coming to mind right now.

Quote:With the passion she could capture, not only would the mages desire her skill.

I think it might be a technically-correct sentence, but since it doesn't really match the structure of the rest of your writing, I have to ask...did you mean "not only the mages would desire..."?

Quote:The sorceress picked up a notebook that she had tossed haphazardly on her black bedspread. Her side of the room was simple. Her bed was covered by a black bedspread and she had a single pillow in a black pillowcase.

'Black bedspread' twice in three sentences? You use it well the first time, but it seems like you shouldn't repeat the entire phrase in the third sentence. Actually, that whole sentence seems slightly out of place, since you're completely re-describing the bed in an extremely straightforward manner after already beginning to subtly draw it for the reader. Maybe something like "Aside from the bedspread, her bed supported only a single pillow in a black pillowcase." You could probably come up with something better. Incidentally, if you're going to use Rockett's bed to contrast her side of the room with her roommate's, would it fit to describe Blythe's bed around when you describe her half of the desk? I might have gotten the wrong impression, but it seemed to me from what you wrote that Blythe's side of the room is much more cluttered than Rockett's.

Quote:Every first rank claimed that their instructor, Master Windolfa, was drugged on Rabia Leaves so only a blizzard would keep them indoors.

It seems like it would sound better as "was so drugged on Rabia leaves only a blizzard..."

Quote:Everything from cockroaches to BUG were incased in the preserving jars.

I'm guessing that 'BUG' is there until you find a suitable replacement I like craneflies, but that's just me. The actual important thing here is that the word is 'encased', not 'incased'. Actually, looking on dictionary.com, it seems like both words are technically acceptable...but one of their three examples for how to use 'incased' actually used 'encased', and I don't think I've ever come across 'incased' while reading, so I'd say 'encased' is the more common word.

Quote:Rockett glanced acidly up at her.

It seems like 'glared' or 'stared' would fit better than 'glanced'. To me, an acidic gaze is one that is held for several seconds, rather than just flung at a person and immediately turned away the way a glance is.

One last thing would be this paragraph:

Quote:Until this year, the goldfish had managed to survive without a name. Blythe had somehow come about giving the fish a name in the first few hours of unpacking and sorting things. Now it was Nelly the goldfish instead of The Goldfish. Rockett grimaced. Blythe had also decided it was a boy fish. The sorceress walked across the room and tapped the side of the bowl. Nelly swirled around eyeing her finger with his bloated eyes. Rockett dipped her finger into the water. The goldfish floated up and kissed her fingertip. The sorceress smiled then threw a few flakes of food into the water.

The first part has good variance in sentence beginnings, but every sentence after "Blythe had also decided it was a boy fish." begins with "(Insert person) (insert verb)ed". You've got five sentences to work with; a little variation in how two of them start or join would make the paragraph far less repetitive and choppy.

And that's all I even remotely had a problem with. The story itself is excellent, and you did a great job giving characters personalities. Honestly, those are the parts I think are most important, and I can't see anything you should change there.

[Benladesh]

Altho a little difficult to read without proper paragraphs and indenting..it is very easy to read. What I mean is that the detail and wording is great and very powerful. I like the way that the teachers actions are almost comical in the description as it kinda explains how Rockett would see things. As a very down to earth and powerful person, anything stupid a person does is not liked by a person like that. The description explains that well.

Quote:“It’s so good to finally have you in my class,” she sang. Rockett glanced acidly up at her. The master plastered a smile on her face as she leaned forward with the bowl. “Just take one!”

"Just take one!" kinda implies that she is mad and yelling it, yet that is not the case. Its the exclamation mark and the words that make it seem not fitting with how the teacher is acting. Might i suggest the teacher say "take just one". That pushes Rockett to take a paper and the teacher keeps her "overly happy" image

[sexysilver]

Ah kk, I've changed to serontology and thirontology.

Jasmine, thank you very much for your advice and time. I found it quite helpful The two floor parts were my bad... I simply read over them so thanks for fixing that. I ended up using positioned for the long desk. The passion statement and the rabia part, again was my bad so thanks for noticing that.

I fixed the overload of black bed stuff sentence... However, I'm not sure where I can fit in a description of Blythe's bed. I might save that for later when I have Blythe sitting on her bed.

I changed encased.. not sure what to do about the bug though... I left it as BUG because I want to have something that is more on the magical side since they live on the plane of magick.

As far as the glanced.. I just couldn't part with the glanced sentence because I want her just given the teacher a quick lookover- that and she seems to prefer glancing an awful lot lol.. I did change the structure though.. so hopefully it sound better. "Rockett gave her an acidic glance."

As far as the fish part.. ugh I'll have to work on that one

And Max, you're kind of right, but if I change the exclamation mark.. it sounds really strict.. so I'll have to think on that. Maybe- “Take one please!”?

Anyways yay!

[weee5067]

Glad I could help

I'm really curious, now...does the world in your story revolve in the opposite direction? I actually made the mistake of thinking it was just south of the equator, but a few minutes of wrestling with an imaginary sphere and my sense of direction proved that the sun still rises in the east, even if you are that far south.

[sexysilver]

The world is just a world upon its own... It's not really connected with Earth in anyway other than Earth is a layer or two below it. All the worlds are "stacked" as different planes. As you go up and down layers of the planes, the rules change.

[Benladesh]

I'm rereading this and I remember reading this. Well an old version of something similar. I could be mistaken but I faintly remember this.

I have just one thing i wouldl ike to add. Candlemarks are obviously an amount of time that is used in this plane (well i think). So im wondering how long a candlemark is. Maybe somewhere in the book have an explaination of how many candlemarks are in a day or something. I could be mistaken and a candlemark is maybe an everyday expression where you live Either way, I want to know what it signifies.

[sexysilver]

Yeah that's my problem.. I have no idea to toss in how long a candlemark is.. I'm not even sure how long I want it to be.. 10 minutes?