Broken Wings Poem/song

[Benladesh]

Ok I don't usually share my poems as they mostly relate to my life and I use them for songs (band) but Id like to see more content in here and I thought I'd help. I think that songs MUST have good lyrics. I worked hard on this song and no music is written for it yet. I am trying to find something not too heavy (we have a hardcore/screamo band) but not too calm either. We already have acoustic songs for our album. The structure isn't finished as we have no music but i just flung 2 chorus' in there where i thought suitable....ok here goes

Broken Wings

Curled up on my tear stained pillow
All of my thoughts are so shallow
Did the world forget my sad soul
or forget to give me a role?

(Chorus)
Will these broken wings ever unfold?
Set me free from the pain
and fly away from the cold
(/Chorus)

Trapped behind this lucid window
My sorrows shall never be known
Only you don't see right though me
Will you come set me free?

With final gasps for existence
Reaching out for one last chance
The warmth of your smile saving me
As to answer my silent plea

(Chorus)
Will these broken wings ever unfold?
Set me free from the pain
and fly away from the cold
(/Chorus)

This may take us forever
We'll take every step together
Through all those times of denial
You'll remain my first real smile

[sexysilver]

Max

I like it. I'm pretty picky but I like it haha.

Trapped behind this lucid window
My sorrows shall never be known <---- Kinda sticks out
Only you don't see right though me
Will you come and? set me free?


As to answer my silent plea <---- My poetic ear doesn't like that sentence
As the answer to my plea is what I would put
HOWEVER, I'm not a song writer and I'm not sure how it would sound against music and which would be better.. song-writing is a great mystery to me haha

<3<3

[Benladesh]

Silvie

Thanks for the feedback. Most things you pointed out are words that will either be added or taken out to follow the beat of the music But i agree with what you said. It helps the overall flow of the words. And altho you say you're no good in song writting its mostly like poetry. I don't like songs where sentences are all over the place and cut in half with a 5 second break between words I try to write with a flow and I tihkn that helps make what we write sound better

[__kit]

Beautiful

[birdjay11]

I always wished I could be more talented in the writing end of art. I find poetry amazingly challenging. I like the poem, and would be very interested to see how it fits to music. Keep posting your work, I enjoy reading the product of other people's talents =P

[Benladesh]

Wow I didn't think people would like it this much. Well since Jay requested it i will make sure i post something about once per week. I have quite a few songs I have written.

i have one question though. Should i write the situation. Why I wrote this, what it means or would that ruin the effect the poem has?

[birdjay11]

I think the inspritation behind the lyrics would give it more meaning to the readers so they understand it better.

[__kit]

Ditto.

Sexysilver Mod-Edit: Kit, please try to post in full sentences rather than just one word phrases

[Benladesh]

Ill give you a description here..in future posts I will put it in the first post with the poem.

My ex girlfriend had many drug and alcohol problems. She never thought she would be ok and I helped her out of it. She says "i saved her". Anyways so for this poem I wanted to do something different and i tried to write something from someone elses point of view. How she must have felt. How she felt when I helped her. This poem was very hard to write because I finished it when she had recently broken up with me...

I wrote this in a way that it is not specifically around drugs and things like that. More people can relate to this and interpret it in their own way.

This is about a plea for help which isn't heard by anyone but one person and that person does everything in their power to help. The person feels alone because no one seems to care. As she is about to die, someone comes and helps her and she gives one last push to try to save herself.
The last line is what I believe she thought. By that time i was no longer in contact with her. Those words are really powerful because they are also what I felt and I believe she felt the same way.

Of course I tend to write my things with metaphores but If you read what i wrote and then analize the poem you will understand what every line means

[seashell2_js]

It sounds pretty good, I like the chorus.

I like how songs can be interpreted differently so people can relate, yet still holds a personal meaning for the songwriter.