Which to Choose?

[kagemucha]

The makers appear, and ask for my decision.
Dilemma rises in my throat like last night’s dinner
Which to choose?
The duo emits a sweet lust; my heart pumps as I hear their moans for me
Thy suggests a double double
Yet in my soul, thy very thought
A treason as if from a Bill.

To one side, an unbelievable sight
Solely divine powers great enough to award such beauty
An indescribable feeling thy gives.
I soar, I tumble, I freewheel for a chance
To hold thee; to have my lips feel.
The ebony outer; an endless diamond sky

To the other side, fair and great
Good, excellent in every angle and direction
Any man would be satisfied
A Class like no other
It stands alone, forever at the top.

Yet it the end
Which to choose?
To one, surprise at every part I come upon
Thrills I can’t believe
To the other, classic and tradition stand before me

I say screw it, I want the thrill, I want excitement
Rocky Road Please

[treeko]

Nice poem ^^

[SCalibur]

It's a decent poem, I'm just not fond of free verse that much.

One thing I need to note: If you're going to use archaic words (ie, "thy"), be consistent. Use full archaic or not at all, IMO.

[__kit]

at the star I was likie this is lame, get me out of here. BUT I LOVED IT lol! its the story of my life ::k (did i say that out loud...)

[Benladesh]

SCalibur Wrote:One thing I need to note: If you're going to use archaic words (ie, "thy"), be consistent. Use full archaic or not at all, IMO.

Its a decent poem. I like it, well written but I agree with Scali here. If you are to use archaic words then try to use more across the poem.

[weee5067]

Heh, I like the ending. The descriptions are really nice in areas, too.

Now, if you feel at all inclined to listen to the people who suggested using more archaic language, I guess you could keep reading if you want to know how to use certain words.

"Thy suggests a double double"

I'm not too great on my Shakespearean, but I'm pretty sure that if you want to say something like "You run" or "You will", you say "Thou runnest" or "Thou wilt". Something like that. It's thou, at least. Not thy. Not sure about the verb conjugation, though.

Overall, I think it goes:
You ("You run", equivalent of I) = Thou
You ("She will save you", equivalent of me) = Thee
Your ("Your heart", equivalent of my, singular object) = Thy
Your ("Your eyes", equivalent of my, plural object) = Thine (?)
Yours ("The apples are yours", equivalent of mine) = Thine (?)

Not too sure about those last two...I know one of them is 'thine', but I'm not sure both are. Incidentally, even though I'm pretty good with applied grammar (i.e. I can write a grammatically-correct sentence), I can't name the individual parts. Sorry for having to use examples rather than terms. And note that the word 'object' means 'thing' where I used it, not the part of a sentence called an 'object'. They might be the same in this case, but I'm really not sure.