iDB Community Forum

So in my LA I HNS class, we did a small unit on poetry, and it culminates in a poetry portfolio resembling William Blake's "Songs of Innocence and of Experience" We're to write one poem relating to innocence, and one for experience. It's due on Monday the 21st, and I guess I'm looking for some general thoughts / comments on my poems before I have to hand them in.

Innocence Poem:
I frolicked with the fairies in my youth
in butterfly meadows of daisies and grass
The centaurs and satyrs danced a merry jig
for all of our world to see –
The nymphs and naiads sang a wordless song
And I sang too.

A dark cloud strode over our field
And dark winds threatened to blow us away
A wicked thunderstorm ruined our play

The fawns shed a tear, and the fauns shed a tear
even the trees joined in our lament,
Zeus from above witnessed our pity
and took compassion on His child –
Away went the storm, for yet another morn
and together we rejoiced in play.

Experience Poem:
I remember loving, laughing, living, in the light of the sun
but I am now enshrouded in darkness:
I hunger for fruit out of reach –
thirst for water gone beneath my feet –
The weight of the world lies on my shoulders.

I once knew trust, courage, wisdom, love
to find I knew them not at all
I flew Naïvely to join the gods in their council
Smote down, I lost myself in the souls of the Styx.

I live in your world no longer
We are strangers, you and I
in another time, another place, another life, things may have differed
but you are here and I am here
As I roll a boulder up an impossible hill.

I also rewrote a sonnet originally written by a friend, feel free to comment on it as well.

English Sonnet:
A world of loneliness rests in my heart,
like a sheet of paper left bare and blank
with naught but a pencil and words of art.
The goddess of love, tis you I must thank.

Emotions and feelings fly to the page
and my love from inside outwardly flows.
My inner songbird bursts out of its cage
Off’ring a simple origami rose.

My once clandestine love begins to soar,
shining brilliant, bright shimmering gold.
A vast new land for my heart to explore
What new stories will begin to unfold?

Although emptiness is all that you see
inside my heart, there’s room for you and me.

Posted a while ago but no replay..and its handed in. Shame i didn't see this before/have time to go online much. That being said, better late than never.

I have to say, you have a talent for poerty, I like the way you wrote your innocence poem. Very metaphoric and can be interpreted in many different ways. The line "A dark cloud strode over our field" would flow better if it was "A dark cloud strode above our field".

As for the experience poem i like it too but it seems almost to literal, too "in your face". I don't know if its only me, i love metaphores in poetry and personally think that its an art to make many metaphores combine to form a story and a greater metaphore. It seems like you felt forced to use them in ways which were not so relevent to your story. They seem forced and tend to flow a lot less. I understand the meaning of the poem and like it but some lines seem awkward with the general flow and "story' of the poem.

All in all I really like your work. Keep it up. I hope to see you post some more =)