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Hehe Weekly poem until I run out Takes me months to write one so I will eventually run out

So this weeks poem is Ruby Red. It is a song of course. No music has been made for this but I have a general idea for it. I want a "dramatic" metalcore song

his is a more complex set of lyrics which is a little harder to understand. i will have to explain them properly..There is no order to it yet..The chorus is just stuck in the middle.

This was written right after my girlfriend had left me....


Ruby Red

{verse}
The closure of your eyes, the start of my life.
My ruby red body, saying its last good-byes.
I have a past, but see no future.
A story to tell, no ears to make it last.
{/verse}

{verse}
With-in my crimson heart, I hold your last thoughts.
Those fatal memories, that ripped you apart.
Your everlasting sleep, the sun will bestow
The secret you confined, I will forever keep.
{/verse}

{Chorus}
Your eyes, evaporating
Blood, dripping through my fingers
I can't hold on anymore
I can't hold on anymore
{/chorus}

{verse 2 - flashback, calm}
Hair flowing in the wind, she turned away.
With every step she took, immortality thinned.
The curl of her cherry lips, the stars in her eyes.
Her everlasting warmth, left eternal rips.
{/verse 2}

{verse}
Burning cheek turns to ashes, My descent begins
Vermillion river, your face it slashes
To the ground you surrender, to the ground I fall
Your mortal memories, my ruby red body, will always keep.
{/verse}

The story of a tear that falls. And the vampire goes in the sun to kill himself and as he dies, the tear hold the vampires last memories. The vampire is turned too ashes as he dies and nothing is left of him but the tear and his last thoughts that the tear carried with it.

Quote:{verse}
The closure of your eyes, the start of my life.
My ruby red body, saying its last good-byes.
I have a past, but see no future.
A story to tell, no ears to make it last.
{/verse}

The tear explains how it was born and tells about how he has a past but he will die soon. He has a story to tell but no one who cares to listen.

Quote:{verse}
With-in my crimson heart, I hold your last thoughts.
Those fatal memories, that ripped you apart.
Your everlasting sleep, the sun will bestow
The secret you confined, I will forever keep.
{/verse}

The tear explains the situation, That he holds all of the secrets and that the vampire will die, thus the everlasting sleep.

-Chorus is self explanitory-

Quote:{verse 2 - flashback, calm}
Hair flowing in the wind, she turned away.
With every step she took, immortality thinned.
The curl of her cherry lips, the stars in her eyes.
Her everlasting warmth, left eternal rips.
{/verse 2}

This is a flashback that explains why he wants to kill himself. That a girl left him and that he couldn't go on without her. Immortality and things never ending (which is always promised in a relationship) are strongly emphasised.

Quote:{verse}
Burning cheek turns to ashes, My descent begins
Vermillion river, your face it slashes
To the ground you surrender, to the ground I fall
Your mortal memories, my ruby red body, will always keep.
{/verse}

The last verse, about how the vampire burns in the sun as he dies and the tear falls to the ground. Holding the memories.

Ooh wow.. pretty difficult to read but I really like this. I think that the hardest part to read was telling apart when he was talking about her and himself.. Aka I was confused from the beginning "The closure of your eyes, the start of my life. " But he's dying? So how is it the start of his life?

But past that me likies mucho You are getting so much better

Ok i guess you didn't get it. This is a tear explaining the story. As the tear says the closure of your eyes. He is talking about who is crying the tear. Thats the guy who wants to kill himself. So the guy (vampire) closes his eye and the tear is born. The only part where its about the girl is "verse 2"

I was wondering about where the tear fit in.. if you don't explain that.. there's no way to know as far as I can see

There isn't and i think thats the beauty of it. It can be interpreted a million different ways but none will be the way I interpret it I might change the title to hint it tho

Quote:Blood, dripping through my fingers
I can't hold on anymore
I can't hold on anymore

Love those lines.

But yeah, I do agree with Silver, it was a little bit hard to follow, and I know it would sound corny to incorporate a verse that "explains" the context of the narrator, but without it I had no clue it was narrated by a tear until you said so.

Nice diction though

Well.. the text doesn't make much since if you don't realize it's a tear or something like that narrating mate

This is a song. People listen to it and are free to think of it what they want. Many songs we listen to, we do not interpret it like the author would.

The flashback part will be played differently so that also pushes that it is another point of view. ALl in all I really like what I wrote here. I guess people do not share that opinion.

Oh no, we didn't mean it in a bad way Max... We just meant that unless you realize it is a tear talking, the way it's worded is very confusing. I thought it was him talking at first when I read it before knowing that and I was really confused by some parts because it doesn't make since if he's talking... I sort of help that explains why we were confused